Cosmo blog: What you’re doing wrong on dates/in relationships/in life in general

Below is a blog post I wrote for Cosmopolitan during my stint as the magazine’s Sex and the Not So Single Girl columnist. It’s one of my faves so I thought I’d re-post it here. Hope you like.

Terrible date

A succinct run-down on why any burgeoning romances (or friendships) are fizzling to nothing

So you’ve met someone new and dreamy. He looks like Dick Van Dyke (in his Mary Poppins-stalking days), is eye-wateringly rich and plays the harmonica professionally. SWOON. You have an award-winning date (the award being a snog), but then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. Why?

Well this is why. After extensive research (of my mates and my memories) I have collated a list of stuff people do while on dates or in relationships (or just generally in life) that is WRONG. The kind of things you want to flag up to friends who weep, “I just don’t know why it’s fallen apart.” BECAUSE YOU NEVER COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SNEEZE, YOU FOUL RODENT. But you don’t say it because it’s mean. Well, now you can just forward this to them instead of having to admit anything out loud. Great, eh?

(Disclaimer: These things were recounted by men and women so cover both sexes and I’m in no way exempt from having done some of this stuff.)

It all went wrong when you said…:

– “I’m totally over my ex. Wanna see a photo?”

– “I’d rather shovel bear crap than work in the media like you.”

– “Can we pop into Tesco, I need to buy a ready meal.”

– “I’m still technically married.”

– “I forgot to brush my teeth today.”

– “That link you put on Twitter in 2011 was hilarious.”

– “Touch my penis. I’m so into you.”

– “Someone told me once I never stop talking! HA HA HA!”

– “Your taste in music and films is so pedestrian.”

– “Pure Bathing Culture, Gaslamp Killer and Gauntlet Hair are really redefining the whole progressive noise movement.”

– “Wow, I can tell you’re a banker just from your shoes.”

– “I can tell you work in magazines just from your beard.”

– “I can tell you’re a waiter from your waistcoat.”

– “You really owe me for letting you pick this film.”

– “So tell me something interesting about you.”

– “I used to be a bully at school.”

– “I know we’ve only just slept together, but I don’t want to get into anything serious.”

– “I hate my job. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.”

– “Tell me a joke.”

– “If I suddenly disappear it’s because my ex has turned up.”

– “I find being rich incredibly alienating.”

– “Only idiots like gorgonzola.”

– “Who’s that girl on your Facebook page that you’re hugging in picture 16?”

– “I messaged that guy you write to loads on Twitter to ask where I should take you for dinner.”

– “But I thought sending flowers to your office before our date would set a romantic tone?”

– “Do you think that guy at the bar is checking me out?”

– “I know it’s 3am, but do you want to walk home through Crack Addicts’ Park?”

– “I forgot my wallet.”

– “Your perfume smells like feet.”

– “Why do you keep asking me to have a shower before sex?”

– “I don’t believe in modern medicine. Garden leaves will heal my scaly rash.”

– “I saw you in Birmingham the other day. What were you doing there?”

– “In your dating profile you had longer hair. I would have preferred that.”

– “And then my boss was like, ‘I know you think you can do my job – and you’d be right’.”

– “Isn’t it funny how I keep finishing your sentences?”

– “Pilates would sort out your belly overhang, no problem.”

– “I don’t believe in tipping.”

– “I feed my pet tarantulas hamsters.”

– “I once killed a man. I’ve never told anyone else that.”


You can read the original here and find more of my other blogs

Published by Jo Usmar

Bestselling author, ghostwriter, editor and copywriter.

One thought on “Cosmo blog: What you’re doing wrong on dates/in relationships/in life in general

  1. Very interesting subject , appreciate it for posting . All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. by James Thurber. eageaekfgbde

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